Life Goes

Normal blog later tonight, but as I just got an update that kinda sideswiped me I'll just post this now.

In the last few hours Gracie's condition has taken a serious nosedive. At last report she's crashed 3x and completely flat lined at least once. Her ventricle is "locking up" whatever that means and the doctors can't figure it out. We've been hearing that a lot lately. She's had chemical burns from the medical tape to deal with - caused by an allergic reaction the doctor's don't understand. Blood infections (E. coli to be precise) from mysterious sources that have her doctors baffled. Born with a half a heart missing without any doctor noticing for the 10 months her momma carried her. Her heart has stopped, her lungs filled, and the doctors continue to be puzzled.

If I had known medical school was such a cake walk I woulda just gone that route instead of trying for an English degree. Apparently all you have to do is shake your head and tell people its a mystery and its just in God's hands and you get the fancy degree and a stethoscope to hang around your neck.

I know I'm being unreasonable, but at the moment I don't really care. I'm angry - pissed beyond measure over the pain this tiny little body has suffered, the anguish my cousin is feeling, and the absolutely crushing sense of helplessness as I, along with the rest of the family, stand around not being able to do a single damn thing about this. I don't do helpless well. My whole life has been based around taking the next step. Making the next move. Keep walking and you'll get through, nothing is too big to deal with if you just keep moving.

Just kinda hard to keep moving when the universe keeps dropping mountains on you.

Pray. Don't care to who, don't care how. Just pray.

As for me? I'm gonna sit really really still and try to not think the prayer that's swirling around in my head about how far can this be dragged before its too much to pile on an innocent little girl.