Sunday, December 30, 2007

Rules of Burning

As the demo and reconstruction of our ablution chamber continues apace above me, I decided to take a few moments this cold Sunday and share a few helpful tips and rules that the kindly people at the wood burner factory neglected to mention in their brochures. The inclusion of these facts would no doubt result in a definite decline in burns, singes, inhaled soot, and various other “issues”. But, as the Prime Geek and I have finally determined – these companies MUST be in bed with the burn cream, fan, and hairdressing suppliers in the country and are trying to force us to use them.

1) When doing ANYTHING that involves opening the door of the wood burner while there is a fire within (ie – adding more wood, stoking the fire, poking logs to make them spark, and generally just messing about), the first step is in fact walking away and procuring a hair tie. Both the Prime Geek and myself have rather long hair, and while the initial jerk and recoil when sparks begin to swirl around your head may be considered energizing.... if one wants to KEEP long hair, its just best to tie it back. Burned hair smells revolting. Trust me on this.

2) Childish though it may be..... chainsaws are kinda cool. We're attempting to keep to our greening ways and have purchased an electric chainsaw so as to not pollute the air with billows of gas smoke. No doubt the initial thrill will one day soon fade, but as someone who was never allowed to work with the boys and use most power tools – this is just nifty. Took ever ounce of self control to not let out a grunt ala' Tim Allen.

3)Use fire gloves. Every time. Seriously. Yes, I know. You're only going to move the log you just set down, it hasn't even lit yet. However, having your hands on a potion of wood just as it decides to ignite? Not fun.

4) For the girls out there – Give up on your nails. Just go ahead and cut them down to almost nothing. Even the smallest millimeter past the tip our your finger can be grabbed and ripped in an instant. I have been paid back a million times for ever rolling my eyes at girls who cursed breaking a fake nail. Ripped across the nail bed and jammed back into the side of your hand? Might be a tiny injury, but it will make you curse like a sailor and temporarily loose the ability to think coherently.

5) Guys? Please keep in mind where the door opens in relationship to certain.... private areas. Singeing these will not get you much sympathy, in fact it is far more likely your loving wife/girlfriend/partner will be rolling on the floor giggling too hard to offer much help. Just a warning.

6) Serious perk that should be in every brochure? Imagine never again having a pause between the thought “You know, I could go for some hot cocoa right about now.” and being able to pour out the boiling water. Sounds like a little thing, but after coming in from -10 windchill and knowing you are always able to warm up at once - inside and out – life seems far more chipper.

7) My father calls it Amish Television... but seriously, there is something wonderfully soothing about sitting back and watching the flames dance. Heck, it entertains the cats as well!

Oops! I hear the clarion call of the bathroom brigade. Off to see if there is anything that flushes in the bathroom. Until tomorrow.

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